Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
