I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
