Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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