Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
