Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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