I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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