you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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