At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
