dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
