Did you just see the Batmobile???
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize