The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize