So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
