I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Someone signed my nipple.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
