Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
