so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If I die, sorry about rent.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize