Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
