So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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