First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
