life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
