Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
