We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
