Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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