If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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