I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
