Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Randomize