This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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