Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
