Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
