My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
