I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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