One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dignity is for republicans.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
