Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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