We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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