dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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