yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
