I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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