why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
