well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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