did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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