i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
