I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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