I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
