I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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