I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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