I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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