I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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