dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
