So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
