Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
