I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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