i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
