She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
