Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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