yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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